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Poor Khodee Davis -- the kid stabbed to death on Cabbage Beach. His funeral was a Carnival Cruise -- without the ships. There was beer-drinking, swearing and someone made an awful lot of money on tee-shirts. A cop was knocked over by someone on a dirt bike. Fweddie Mitchell  marched front and center. It was so hot that that his hair dye was melting. Fweddie was like Michael Vick at a dogfight. We are a ghetto nation and Fweddie is at the front of the line.

And we have Raytard Rigby, ex-Chair of the PLP saying that there is no conspiracy between him and Obie to oust Crisco Butt. He then went on to say that for a man of 60, Crisco Butt is surprisingly senile. Raytard thinks that Bahamians have a well developed immune system and a high tolerance for bullshit. In the meantime, the secret cabal intent on a hostile takeover is running for cover.

The news is out that Hubigetty is resisting a cabinet shuffle. Some of his cabinet ministers were sweating like a Bahamian highschool student taking a literacy test. Word is that Hubigetty, and the general populace including the Bloggy Boyz are not pleased with performance to date.

New budget is coming out. We would rather watch the Paris Hilton sex video. Doctor Zhivago, the junior finance minister is saying that the government needs another $200 million in recurring revenues just to eliminate the deficit. Brent Kitchenette said that he would go and ask his mother's estate for an increase in his allowance so that he could cover the deficit. If that doesn't happen, with the decline in tourism, we are truly heading to hell in handcart. Bay Street is left largely to the rats, and it is no surprise that this is the year of the Rat in more ways than one. There are so many rats downtown, that one came up to us casually and said hello -- but it was just Obie Wilchcombe.

Another gay activist murdered. Found dead in a swimming pool. We can help out with the clues on this one. There is a rogue policeman connected.

And this lovely missive comes to us. We will quote it directly:

Portia Smith, the "secretary" to House Speaker Alvin Smith (no relation), is the fiancee of drug dealer Gordon "Hog" Newbold. Smith, 34, is not a qualified secretary and she is barely literate. She is a clerk in the public service. Smith brought her in to work with him after his appointment as speaker not because of her secretarial talents, but because of her alleged talents as a fellatrix.

Newbold, a member of the infamous Newbold family, is the youngest brother of drug dealer and numbers boss Autry Newbold. Hog Newbold is fighting extradition to the United States. He was indicted in 2004 as part of the Pedro Smith and Melvin Maycock Sr drug gangs. He has been on bail since 2006 and recently bought Portia a 2008 Chevy Tahoe, which is the same color (beige) as his Chevy Avalanche. The portly secretary has a penchant for Prada, Gucci and Cartier.

She was dating Newbold while married to a policeman, PC 1396 Terrel Smith, a speed cop. She used to bribe officers at Central Police Station to allow her and Newbold to have sex in the station's bathroom. Her husband was knocked off his bike and kept on life support until his death five months later. The affair continued throughout his illness.

Smith still spends most of her time with Newbold when she should be working. She often slips out to visit him at his home in Seagull Gardens Yamacraw Hill Road. She also attends his court cases. Newbold has served time for attempted murder and is a suspect in the unsolved drug-related murder of Dion Lafleur in Janauary 2003. Newbold has never worked a day in his life. He sells drugs from the family homestead in The Grove. He likes to ride motorbikes and prefers this mode of transportation.

Should a woman with criminal ties be working in a place where policy is decided?

So there you have it. Another heartless day in the Bahamaland. We are hungry and in the mood for Chinese. That means something completely different for Fweddie. For us, it means woking the cockroach. So mote it be.

That Shame Gibson said that he hired a private dick to investigate who the FNM were dicking and he was going to release the names in the House of Assembly. Man, if Shame were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week. He is dicking his own sweetheart right now, while his wife Jackie is a Bible Thumper at Mount-him Tabor Tabersnatchel. We are looking into pubicly naming Gibson's sweetheart.

We have to believe that may Gibson een stupid ... maybe he is haunted by a retarded ghost or sumfing. This is a guy who is all over his own sweetheart like a duck on June bug, and he is going to name names of FNM sweethearters. Where is the PLP leadership to muzzle the corrupt sumbitch?

Crisco Butt has truly lost it as a leader. We know that the PLP is financed by a drug-infested past, but this is too much dope. As a note to all you kiddies out there -- avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Shame Gibson.

As patriotic Bahamians, we feel it necessary to buy Crisco Butt and Hubigetty a new pair of glasses -- so they can both read the writing on the wall. But the PLP are especially in dire straits, because there is a leadership vacuum. PLPs have to choose between BJ, Fweddie and Crisco Butt as the next leader. Choosing between a few men is not a problem for Fweddie, because he has to choose between two men every night, but for the loyal PLP troops, there is nothing new on the horizon -- except for the secret little team that other PLPs are putting together. But we will tell you about that some other time. This new team will have the support of all of the honest PLPs, but unfortunately both of them moved to Florida.

In the meantime, we will repeat our mantra:

Hubigetty, close the webshops.

Hubigetty, prosecute the criminals.

Hubigetty, do the best possible good for the Bahamian people by diversifying the economy.

After all, 'Ubigetty, you want to go down in history as 'UBastardy. We have already had 2 PLP prime ministers who were such human garbage that it was impossible to believe that the sperm that created them, beat out three million others.

Oh yeah, and FREE TIBET. So Mote it Be.

Wednesday, 14 May 2008 10:59
Dear Prime Minister Ingraham,

I am writing to remind you of your obligations towards the Bahamas and point out a few important promises which you have made.

Recently, you signed the proclamation for International Year of the Reef in the Bahamas (see attached) that symbolizes The Bahamas' awareness as a nation of the value of coral reefs, their fragility, and the need to further conservation efforts on their behalf.

This statement should oblige the government to improve coral reef conservation efforts in the Bahamas including the education, restrictions in certain fishing habits, conservation campaigns and one of the most effective ways - the establishment of Marine Protected Areas.

According to a recent proclamation, you would like to increase the public's understanding of critical coral threats and at the same time develop solutions to reduce these threats. Those are truly good points in a program for the year 2008 – Year of the Reef.

However, may I ask you a question? Why are you still staying blind to Islands in the Bahamas where the coral reefs are being threatened? It's really interesting and also nonsensical that on one hand you want to make an effort to protect coral reefs in the Bahamas but on the other hand you allow foreign investors to implement projects which directly contribute to degradation of your pristine ecosystems.

Just to name a few places where this is happening - Bimini, Guana Cay, Adelaide. Will the Year of the Reef be in the Bahamas just a symbolic year? One of the first management strategies for conservation of these ecosystems should be a consideration of the current situation on the islands and increasing of Marine Protected Areas.

Despite numerous scientific facts and other proofs of high ecological value of Bimini's precious ecosystems including biologically important mangrove wetlands, nothing has been done to protect these habitats. It seems that you obviously support Bimini Bay in their destructive activity of Bahamian natural resources.

What about FNM manifesto plans? Have you already forgotten your promises? Here are just a few points from the section "Environment and Sustainable Development":

- Respect the environment as the real basis of our country's wealth.
- Increase marine protected areas to better preserve our marine biodiversity.
- Enact legislation to further protect coral reefs, sea grass beds and mangroves.

It's sad but neither the former nor the present leaders have shown that they actually thought through the little they have done to protect the environment. As you were elected the Prime Minister last year it's made a commitment to work on issues named in the political plans. One thing is saying something but more important is to take a practical action!

What is your true interest of your political agenda?

If you really care about your country, your natural heritage and the upcoming generation, you should certainly think about the proper legislation for the Bahamian environment and establish new laws regarding developments which would respect the valuable ecosystems of the Bahamas. Steps towards the conservation and preservation of your "wealth" – marine and terrestrial ecosystems of Bahamas -- are very much needed.

Alfredo Quarto, Executive Director of Mangrove Action Project, who passionately works on issues related to mangrove conservation and restoration around the world offers you a hand in helping to devise a mangrove restoration plan for already affected areas on Bimini Islands. So why not accept this opportunity to start fulfilling your promises? It's obvious that you are aware of the importance of mangrove forests, sea grass and coral reefs in your country when the promotion of the protection of these habitats became a part of your future plans as you got a leading position in a political system. What are the obstacles and reasons which make you unable to continue in your efforts toward being environmentally responsible?

As you may know, there is a close connection between coral reefs and mangrove wetlands. Mangroves strongly influence the community structure of fish since these "Roots of the Sea" serve as crucial nurseries for them. Therefore it's necessary to protect connected corridors of mangroves, sea-grass beds, and coral reefs to maintain the balance of coral reef ecosystems. And that is exactly what you want to do. It is written in the proclamation, isn't it?

You could look at this issue from wider perspective and try to find the connectivity between the habitats. It would motivate you to conserve these rapidly disappearing habitats. I know this is easier said than done, but it's really important to bring conservation incentives and sustainable development alternatives for affected local communities. The selling-out of the Bahamian environment for measly servant jobs is not a solution of any kind. I hope that you have not a false perception that the destruction of coral reefs or mangrove wetlands doesn't affect the Bahamas directly.

How great does the destruction and the damage of ecosystem have to be done in Bimini or Guana Cay before one pays attention to the seriousness of the negative impacts of development there? The construction of golf courses in Bimini and Guana Cay will result in the destruction of biodiversity. It doesn't take a rocket science for that matter to care about the Bahamas. Everyone knows that fertilizers and nutrients from a golf course destroy coral reefs and surrounding environment.

It makes me sad when what's important is forgotten.

I would also like to bring up the topic of Marine Protected Areas in the Bahamas. It hasn't been a long time since the news about the proposals of MPAs appeared in the Bahamian Press (15th March, The Tribune, Plans for protected marine reserves gaining momentum). At that time it was said that the government is "working feverishly" towards turning five proposed marine protected areas – Bimini, Exuma, South Abaco, Eleuthera and Conception Island into actual protected marine reserves. Minister Cartwright was working on it and was speaking almost with the surety that the ministry would make a decision about the Bimini Islands pretty soon. Unfortunately, nothing has came up since this rumor was released. Why is the government inactive in this issue? Just a reminder, you were supportive for the establishment of MPA on Bimini Islands eight years ago in 2000.

The natural beauty of beaches, shoreline, turquoise waters, coral reefs and wildlife brings millions of people to your country. The prevention of the destruction and extensive pollution of this beautiful environment is also a matter of education through the dispersal of pertinent information. It's up to you how you will deal with this fact and whether or not you do anything towards the promotion of environmental responsibility. The people who elected you are waiting for your actions, not your words.

I hope that the year 2008 will mean the increased activity in coral reef conservation and that the government will put more emphasis on eco-tourism and sustainable development.

To protect ourselves, let us protect our environment!

Regards,

Jana Rajnohova

Well, this is the hottest May on record for the Bahamas according the Meteorology Office. At first we thought that the Meteorology office dealt with meteors and asteroids.  The word "ass"teroid threw us.   

We were confusing assteroids with the PLP who were in fact composed of hemmorhoids, not assteroids. This May has been hot.

It is been so hot that Crisco Butt is delusional in thinking that he can get re-elected in 2012. No, sorry, that was the regular Crisco Butt. It had nothing to do with the heat.

Then there was the article in the news, that gay activist Erin Greene said that there was nothing in the laws of the Bahamas to prevent gay marriage. She is a real patsy (make your own joke) and taken for a ride by the Christian Council. Doesn't she realise that allowing gays to marry is a devious scheme to stop gay sex in the Bahamas?

The Central Bank put out its monthly report. There is no sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. Revenues are down by some $60 million below projections. The national debt is over $3 billion. There will be a new budget communication next Wednesday, but we een holding our breath. This new FNM government, while not as criminal as the PLP, is just holding the tiller instead of steering a brave new course. They want the front of the bus; the back of the church; the middle of the road and centre of attention. As a result, they een going nowhere fast. They treat this country of ours as though we had a spare in the trunk.

And speaking of what is in the trunk, a cop named Ferguson, who heads the Drug Enforcement Unit, assured the Journal that the cash and the 1,203 pounds of marijuana seized by police near Hubigetty's house, are in a safe place. We howled when we read that. The police are incredibly corrupt, half gay and real lazy. Funny how that description fits the PLP.

And then we come to the sleeping elephant called tourism. Last night, Vernice Street Walker, our Director of Whorism announced that the country had just spent $12 million on an ad campaign. While we recognise that this is half the amount that Obie tiefed when he was minister of Whorism, we were anxious to see how it was spent. We remember the two disasterous ad campaigns in New York. The Ministry of Tourism is always on the hunt for new tourists. Unfortunately, the woods are always empty if you are a poor hunter.

Ten million dollars was spent in the United States, and $2 million was spent in Europe. The European portion was divided between England, France, Spain and Italy. Italy for chrissakes. My Gawd. what do they know about advertising in Italy? Bahamians are so geographically challenged that they couldn't point out Italy on a map. And what kind of message are they going to send? Don't they realise that an Italian with an IQ of 180 is called Sicily? Once again, we een too optimistic about our prospects.


So, we sit here waiting for real change that never comes. We sit here waiting for Hubigetty to get the balls to close the web shops. We sit here cogitating on the state of the Bahamas. We realise that by telling the truth, that it will set you free...but first, it will make you miserable. So Mote it Be.