what am i doing now?
by benjamin

08/10/06
12:53 PM
 waiting for promos results, i guess.
seems like i won't be staying in njc any longer.
mixed feelings, i guess.
'cos its like leaving has its pros and cons.
and i feel like i should change.
change into a cheerful person who is actually able to articulate her thoughts in front of an audience instead of just hushing-up/tensing-up whenever i have to speak up.
maybe its because there are still people that i knew from before in my present class.
they know what and how i was like in secondary school.
so i guess i wasnt ready to change myself when i came to njc.
perhaps i did try during the first three months?
trying to answer qns.
trying to present my physics answer to the class 'cos nobody wants to...though it was quite funny the way mr yong would always guide me through my presentation of answer to the class.
i guess it was fun.
fun when i no longer had to care about what others thought about me.
because they didnt know the original me.
even then, though gerine was in the same class, it was actually ok cos i dont think she saw me as being very quiet during lessontime.
i guess.
now its too late to turn back?
i'm still trying to.
trying to be this really hyper girl who is so noisy in school.
so that when i really have to speak up during OP, they would actually be used to me speaking up.
maybe its just me thinking too much again.
yep.
maybe.
i still lack courage.
courage to pursue what i really want in life.
but maybe its 'cos i don't really know what i really really want?
i don't know.
bleh.
might be playing in tmr's bball games.
i dont know what i'm doing anymore.

yesterday was the first time i really lost it.
i asked my pw group members to fix a time for a meeting since i was fine with anything while they had some other commitments.
and so they decided on 9am at westmall mac.
they decided.
yep.
and so i stupidly woke up at 7+ and was ready to go by 850.
dont ask me what i was doing.
packing stuffs relevant to pw to bring for the meeting.
anyway, cos it was already 850, i thought i might be a little late and thus sms-ed weewee to tell her that.
turns out that she was still at home [jurong] helping her mom with some stuffs.
so i was sian diao.
cos she was obviously going to arrive after 9am and didnt inform anyone.
ok, so i was like, ok.
since i myself may be a little late too.
then i received an sms from yewseng telling me that he just woke up.
by then i was seriously sian-diao.
so i just sat there for awhile.
sms-ed weijun to tell him that two of them will be late.
guorong lived in toapayoh so we agreed to let him meet at ten instead.
no reply from weijun so i thought maybe he arrived already or something.
then 'cos i had some library books to return, i decided to just leave the house first.
thought that wee2 and ys will actually hurry and maybe reach soon.
yeah right.
i waited for them till around 950 when wee2 first turned up.
weijun still havent replied and he wasnt in the mac.
and then at ten.
he smsed me saying that he just woke up.
i was seriously pissed-off by then.
so when yewseng turned up, i was staring out of the window listening to my mp3 while wee2 and him sat there quietly.
sat there like that for about 40 mins?
i guess i was ok, since observing people was fun.
but wee2 and ys were like, dont know what to do.
anyway, i just had this ultra-pissed off expression and basically ignored them until guorong came.
he wasnt exactly on time too but at least he had the courage to talk to me.
the thing is, he asked me if i brought the WR with thia's comments.
the WR that everyone had received a copy of the day before.
i was so ARGH! by then i think i just slammed whatever papers i brought out from my bag onto the table.
seriously.
none of them brought anything for the meeting.
NONE.
not even a pencil.
nothing.
all three of them came with just their wallet and handphone.
how responsible is that?
and i thought that they seriously wanted to get the job done.
i thought wrong, i guess.
everytime we have a meeting, someone will be late.
most of the time its the guys.
and most of the time only me and someone else will actually bring something related to the PW.
and everytime we discuss whose house to go to for a meeting 'cos we need the computer, they all refused.
refused 'cos "their parents dont allow", cos "their house is messy" and all that kuso.
and they will just ask me again and again to let them just come my house.
after the first month of doing pw, i let them.
cos i thought we'll be taking turns.
i dont like them coming over since its not like we're very close or anything.
some of my closest friends in swatsd havent even been in here before.
now i just refuse and just tell them to settle the venue amongst themselves.
so now, its always kap or westmall's mac.
i just can't stand it.
i may no longer be staying in jc.
i do not need that grade.
i could just quit PW.
i told them that i had a reason to do so.
and thats because i'm gonna be retained.
the other reason is just that i think this project of ours will downright fail cos it stinks.
but i guess they dont know that.
the fact that they brought nothing for the meeting..i just got the feeling that they think it as unimportant.
if thats the case, why should i, of all people, care?
what the hell.
ok, so at least the latest to arrive brought the stuffs too.
but he was late by 2 hours.
argh.
anyway, yesterday was a piss-me-off day for me, i guess.
and only ys apologised for being late.
whatever.
this is gonna end soon.
and who knows, i may never ever have to meet them when i leave njc next year.
starting anew in poly may be tough..but at least i'll have to learn to stand up for myself.
and thats a damn difficult thing to do if you are never exposed to tough stuffs and be made to face them alone.
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